For the past week Paul and I have been talking on the phone like high school kids..:) I feel blessed to have someone in my life willing to listen to me and be there for me… I feel like that’s one of the strongest points of our relationship we both are willing to be there for each other no matter what problem either if us have. I realized tonight, after our long conversation on the phone, that I’m a very lucky woman to have Paul in my life and I know God brought us together during a period of our lives when we both needed someone to be there… God knows what we need even when we don’t believe that! Can’t believe 6 months will be coming up for us!
Although I am super excited to experience all of this…
in Vegas this weekend… I’m kind of nervous about the weekend after.
Ok. I know I should just, “live in the moment” and enjoy the weekend because Vegas is one of the most fun places hands-down. But, my girlfriend Mimi,the girl I posted about this past weekend here, has a basketball tournament in Indiana that she asked me to come watch. She has a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night in the area and I would be spending the weekend there with her and a couple of the Serbian girls I know from her team.
The reason I’m nervous? I may have to see my ex. I haven’t heard from him since the beginning of this month, and although that might not seem long since we broke up over a year ago, our “small talks” had seemed to linger for quite a long time. In the beginning of, February and March I would receive texts from him where he would be reminiscing about our past, some of the fun places we went to eat, the goofy stories we encountered together etc.
I didn’t know how to handle it at all. Sometimes I would respond and continue the conversation with him only to feel guilty afterward considering I really did and do love Paul. At that time Paul and I had just began dating a couple of months before and my ex was someone I went to after hearing horrible news in the beginning of this year. The news was very private and my ex was someone who I thought would understand my pain and be there for me because he new about this issue that had occurring while we had dated. BUT, He didn’t care enough to be there, the texts between us just continued on, it just couldn’t seem to be let go from either one of us. I don’t even think I wanted to be with him at this point anymore, I just didn’t want to accept failure of our relationship even months after it had ended. I also thought (and even hoped back in December) that eventually he would show that he still did care for me as a person and maybe we could become friends again. But, he never did come to see me after breaking the terrible news I had heard to him, I know he really doesn’t care about me in any capacity today.
Like I said, texts continued in January and February but after seeing him with his girlfriend at the tournaments in March I realized that I didn’t want to speak to him. Something happened to me the weekend of my dad’s tournament that reminded me of why we just couldn’t work.
So I stopped all conversation.
I hadn’t heard from him throughout March after my dads tournament and even into April (where I saw him again at another tournament but didn’t speak to him). But, of course, around Greek Easter, he texts me to ask me a trivial question, “Have you been going to church like a good Greek girl should?” I was angry, and confused. Angry because these texts made me wonder if he was doing this to me while he was dating me like he is doing to his current girlfriend. Confused, because I wondered if his text meant that he missed, cared for me or hoped to see me.
I finally thought we had both moved on and so I ignored that message only to get another message later on that night at around 3:00 AM. “It hurts my feelings when you don’t answer my texts.”
I was pretty upset, I sat and thought about his last text for 3 days or so. I couldn’t believe the nerve he had to tell me his feelings were hurt that I didn’t answer him, when my feelings had been hurt for months after he left me to deal with frightening medical issues alone during summer and fall.
I felt like saying ALL of these things back:
- “It really hurts my feelings that you left me to deal with health problems when you were someone who “loved” me.”
- ”It really hurts my feelings when you decided to constantly tell me you wanted to come see me only to find out you were saying these things while you were seeing someone else.”
- It really hurts me that you told me you were in love with me when you don’t know the meaning of the word.”
- It really hurts me that you ignored me when I needed you most.”
- “It really hurts my feelings that I loved someone who loved themselves more.”
- “It really hurts my feelings that I was alone, afraid, sad and angry for months.”
But I didn’t say ANY of those things back.
I just casually replied with something witty or nice…because… that’s just who I am. I don’t like creating arguments with him, especially because there is no point to do it anymore what’s done is done. Plus he always has a way of ignoring your question if he doesn’t want to answer it very slyly. I also just didn’t feel like being hurt anymore. The more I responded, the more hurt I felt and the worse my life became again. He was seriously toxic for me. The worst of it all was that it didn’t seem to affect him when we spoke like it affected me. I don’t know if he felt the sadness I felt when he would bring up the past and all the fun we had. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to do that or why he asked me TO LUNCH when he had a girlfriend if it wasn’t to see if we could make things work again.
Bottom line: I just didn’t understand his thought process, why and how he could text me without feeling hurt, sadness and pain like I did. Especially after dating for over a year and I genuinely thought he wanted what was best for me after we moved on from each other but keeping in contact with me proved he just wanted to make sure he still had a hold over me in some way. In the beginning of May I realized that and was able to give that up.
I finally told him in the beginning of May I’m blocking his number, I didn’t want him to have a tie over me anymore.
- Sidenote: TO ALL Women: Never allow a man to feel like he can use you even through casual text messaging, if someone’s not treating you the way you want them to you have the right to ditch that person 100% and cut them out of your life!
Although, I will always love him and look at him as someone who did help me grow and change into the physically fit, fun, healthy and loving person I am today I knew I couldn’t hear from him anymore. The nights of texts that would continue on for months just couldn’t go on. It was wrong of me to do to Paul and I told him it was wrong to his girlfriend as well.
What I Learned:
I appreciate what he has done for my life, I really do. I probably would have never started getting into shape if it wasn’t for him. I lost 20 lbs while dating him trying to keep up with his physically active lifestyle, I learned to articulate myself much better because of the interesting conversations we would have together, I opened up more sexually with someone than I had ever before (until Paul ;)), I was more comfortable with my body because I was making changes while we dated that gave me confidence, I learned to read signs of mistrust (because I thought he was cheating on me for a long time), I learned to follow my heart over my family’s opinion, I learned how to accept and love someone for who they were inside and what they believed in.
Lastly, and most importantly, I learned from him that my perspective was my reality. And now, my perspective of him had changed. I see him today as someone who told me they loved me but didn’t know the meaning of the word. Love is unconditional, never-ending, it endures everything and triumphs everything. Love doesn’t give up or end its everlasting. Once you love someone, you don’t give up, your heart won’t let you.
These days I believe that there is no “love” per-say there are only proofs of love. And since July of 2011 there were no proofs of love from him. Paul on the other hand proves his love for me like no man has ever before.
So as you know, I haven’t heard from my ex since early May when I told him I was blocking his number. Seeing him the following weekend will be hard, I don’t want to regress.
Should I go? Should I not? Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks for listening to my rant. It really feels good to let that out every now and then.
Enjoy your evening Much love -Ang
Last night I decided to chow down on some more of my awesome Pineapple Teriyaki Salmon
I definitely love having these leftovers for dinner especially after a four mile run/walk session while watching the bachelorette! I didn’t get a chance to watch the entire show because of the massive amount of homework I still needed to finish… Good thing I got cracking on my paper early, that means more time to pack and plan for Vegas!
This morning I finished up a commentary I needed to complete on the history of stalinism, sounds pretty boring right? Well, it was. Although I’m a history lover I’m not as big a fan of global history during the 20th century… Give me American history from 1600 to 1850 and I’m set! nerdy, I know.
Todays work out was a 4.25 mile run. Although my legs were a bit achy. I decided to stop at mile 4 and hold plank position… After my plank hold I was drenched but hoped on the elliptical for high intensity 5 min max out at resistance 9 then hopped off and hit the floor for another plank hold for a minute. I hopped back in the treadmill for a .25 mile cool-down followed by one more plank hold. As you can imagine I was pretty drenched.
I have found that stopping my runs to hold plank positions for a minute really gives me that small mid-section I desire.
I suggest more women stop their runs around the 2 mile mark and hold plank position for 1 minute then hop back on the treadmill for another .25 sprint. I would repeat this about 3 or 4 times which means by mile 3 you should have completed 4 planks. Give it a shot!
Lunch was chicken and veggies. No need to photograph since it was a pretty mundane meal. This is my go to meal after long runs that I eat pretty frequently. According to Health magazine eating the same mundane meal helps to shed pounds…
What’s your go to typical lunch? Is it a healthy one?
Switching it up to a high protein lunch with veggies may make you less likely to snack the rest of the evening!
After lunch with Paul I headed to the nail salon…”Merino Cool” by Essie was my choice…
It’s goin to be scorching on Friday and I have some dress returning to do tomorrow! Paul and I headed to the mall yesterday and he attempted to help me pick out a nice dress for Vegas I bought this gorgeous red dress but realized when I got home how much worse it looked…
Lady in red
Don’t you hate that! Paul, of course wanted me to choose the less revealing dress considering he won’t be with me in Vegas which I understand… But come on, it’s Vegas baby!!! Dress to impress right?
I now need to return the red dress and find a new one by Friday when we leave! Wish me luck!
Ps I need a tan, badly!!!
Dinner today was…
I mixed the seasoning with two tablespoons of honey then slathered it on the filet! Then I plopped two pieces of freshly cut pineapple on top! The filet was extremely tasty… I can’t wait to have the rest after my run tomorrow!
What are your favorite ways to cook salmon?Anyone try a Salmon burger?
Paul and I tried salmon “franks” (hotdogs) today at whole foods they were giving free samples… They were actually pretty good even though I’m not a fan of meat stuffed in a synthetic casing lol!
Enjoy your Monday!
I really miss working out outside. It’s tough to get a nice workout in outside in Chicago. Unless you live near the lake your morning runs outside consist of gross lawmen staring at you in your neighborhood while your going for your jog… Today, for my workout, I’m planing a high interval run -walk session.
These past few weeks I have been focusing on doing the things I love and it’s made me realize a few things… First, it made me realize that Paul is probably the best guy I have ever met. He’s respecting the fact that I want time to myself and letting me be single for a while.
There are a lot of personal goals I wanna accomplish and time I want to spend time with many of my friends who are back for good from college. I’m glad he’s supporting me to do this for myself. I’m blessed to have him in my life. My best friends, Justine, Melissa, Tracy, Maxie, Sarah, Kristen, Jessica, Mimi, and Sophia are all finally going to be here for the summer.
It’s going to be especially amazing when Tracy comes home from the Philippines. The five of us have been best friends since Freshman year of high school and we have not had a chance to hang out (all five of us) since freshman year of college I think. Everyone has been doing their own thing and to get all of us at the same place at the same time has been hard. Tracy lived in Michigan and went to Michigan state and now she will be back this summer. Maxie just finished up her student teaching at Depaul and will be here this summer as well. Justine will be moving to New York in early September probably. She graduated with a degree in fashion Design from Columbia college and was offered a great opportunity out in New York :). Melissa went to College at Northeastern in Boston and is back until August. She will probably be moving to Jersey with her man or back to Boston if she does not get a job at Johnson and Johnson here in the Chicago Suburbs.
Overall, these four girls have been there for me through the years. All the hard times that I have underwent were made easier just by knowing that I have them by my side no matter what.
Last night, I had the best night ever!!! Hands down its one of the greatest nights I have ever had…I went out with my girlfriend Mimi who can be just as wild and crazy as me. We danced all night and had almost everyone watching us because of how much fun we were having. We sort of owned the room and it felt awesome!!! She’s one of the only woman I can go out with and dance like I just don’t care… Before we headed to Social 25 we talked A TON about life, our heartaches from the past, our love for each other as friends and how no matter what happens we have each others back. We did all this rambling at the Hotel Sax, a gorgeous hotel next to the House of Blues since her buddies had a couple of rooms there to pregame.
She is truly amazing and I am blessed to have her in my life!
Many of you who have been following my blog know about the tough times that had hit last summer for me and how hard it was for me to overcome these issues. I am proud to say that I am doing much better than I was last year during the summer. My life isn’t exactly where I want it but its not moving backwards anymore. This was made possible after blocking my ex from my life entirely. His lack of empathy for the situation he put me in made me realize I need to cut him out completely, both from my cell-phone and from my heart. I’ve learned now that I can’t prepare my life for unwanted change but I can prepare myself better for handling it.
Preparing yourself to handle unwanted change is simple: By making sure you are always giving your body yummy healthy food, plenty of water, time to workout and time to love yourself, family and friends changes will be much easier to handle.
I’m also changing my own life in positive ways. I’m following through with plans that I have made, making commitments and following through with them finally.
For instance, I’m actually committing to taking 3 summer courses (obviously this is not something I want to do but I committed to doing this so I can graduate in December rather than May of 2013).
Another example is the fact that I really am going to Vegas on Friday!! The old me used to talk about doing things and never really ended up doing them. These days I’ve been doing a lot more rather than talking about it.I’m shopping tomorrow for some new clothes for Vegas because it’s almost time to pack up all my fancy dresses! I cannot wait to party this weekend… Two of my Serbian buddies live out there so they are hooking us up with some great club deals… It’s gonna be awesome.
Lastly, I’m also proud of myself for making the change I felt necessary with Paul. Although I love him with all my heart I want to focus on other people in my life and take a step back from dating anyone. My sister is moving out this week and I want to spend much of the summer with her as well as make time for my brother, my friends (all the girls I listed above) and my guy friends too! I feel like sometimes juggling a relationship at such a young age makes you neglect a lot of other people in your life and I feel the need to enhance other relationships in my life again.
The above picture is of Paul and I and the one below that is me and Mimi on St. Patrick’s day this year!
What Positive Changes are you making in your life? Are you following through with your commitments? This is where to start, It really gives you a sense of accomplishment when you follow through with plans, goals and commitments. This will set off a chain reaction that will in turn persuade you to commit to many other plans and push you to set more goals once you follow through and accomplish the ones you have set.
Enjoy your Saturday!!!
Much love- Ang
Today I decided to get in a quick 5k run considering I did a longer 5.5 mile run yesterday and the stair master for about 10 minutes.
I’m VERY proud to say that after a night of heavy drinking (it’s summer remember ;)) I ran my 5k in the fastest I ever have!! and I can’t wait to update my Workout Log with that accomplishment!
I crossed 3 miles at 23:50 and finished my 5k (3.1 miles) in 24:22!
Time to get my paper done for class and enjoying a relaxing evening baking some treats and then who knows! I want to bake my Peanut Butter Smore Bites again…
Much Love- Ang