Although I am super excited to experience all of this…
in Vegas this weekend… I’m kind of nervous about the weekend after.
Ok. I know I should just, “live in the moment” and enjoy the weekend because Vegas is one of the most fun places hands-down. But, my girlfriend Mimi,the girl I posted about this past weekend here, has a basketball tournament in Indiana that she asked me to come watch. She has a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night in the area and I would be spending the weekend there with her and a couple of the Serbian girls I know from her team.
The reason I’m nervous? I may have to see my ex. I haven’t heard from him since the beginning of this month, and although that might not seem long since we broke up over a year ago, our “small talks” had seemed to linger for quite a long time. In the beginning of, February and March I would receive texts from him where he would be reminiscing about our past, some of the fun places we went to eat, the goofy stories we encountered together etc.
I didn’t know how to handle it at all. Sometimes I would respond and continue the conversation with him only to feel guilty afterward considering I really did and do love Paul. At that time Paul and I had just began dating a couple of months before and my ex was someone I went to after hearing horrible news in the beginning of this year. The news was very private and my ex was someone who I thought would understand my pain and be there for me because he new about this issue that had occurring while we had dated. BUT, He didn’t care enough to be there, the texts between us just continued on, it just couldn’t seem to be let go from either one of us. I don’t even think I wanted to be with him at this point anymore, I just didn’t want to accept failure of our relationship even months after it had ended. I also thought (and even hoped back in December) that eventually he would show that he still did care for me as a person and maybe we could become friends again. But, he never did come to see me after breaking the terrible news I had heard to him, I know he really doesn’t care about me in any capacity today.
Like I said, texts continued in January and February but after seeing him with his girlfriend at the tournaments in March I realized that I didn’t want to speak to him. Something happened to me the weekend of my dad’s tournament that reminded me of why we just couldn’t work.
So I stopped all conversation.
I hadn’t heard from him throughout March after my dads tournament and even into April (where I saw him again at another tournament but didn’t speak to him). But, of course, around Greek Easter, he texts me to ask me a trivial question, “Have you been going to church like a good Greek girl should?” I was angry, and confused. Angry because these texts made me wonder if he was doing this to me while he was dating me like he is doing to his current girlfriend. Confused, because I wondered if his text meant that he missed, cared for me or hoped to see me.
I finally thought we had both moved on and so I ignored that message only to get another message later on that night at around 3:00 AM. “It hurts my feelings when you don’t answer my texts.”
I was pretty upset, I sat and thought about his last text for 3 days or so. I couldn’t believe the nerve he had to tell me his feelings were hurt that I didn’t answer him, when my feelings had been hurt for months after he left me to deal with frightening medical issues alone during summer and fall.
I felt like saying ALL of these things back:
- “It really hurts my feelings that you left me to deal with health problems when you were someone who “loved” me.”
- ”It really hurts my feelings when you decided to constantly tell me you wanted to come see me only to find out you were saying these things while you were seeing someone else.”
- It really hurts me that you told me you were in love with me when you don’t know the meaning of the word.”
- It really hurts me that you ignored me when I needed you most.”
- “It really hurts my feelings that I loved someone who loved themselves more.”
- “It really hurts my feelings that I was alone, afraid, sad and angry for months.”
But I didn’t say ANY of those things back.
I just casually replied with something witty or nice…because… that’s just who I am. I don’t like creating arguments with him, especially because there is no point to do it anymore what’s done is done. Plus he always has a way of ignoring your question if he doesn’t want to answer it very slyly. I also just didn’t feel like being hurt anymore. The more I responded, the more hurt I felt and the worse my life became again. He was seriously toxic for me. The worst of it all was that it didn’t seem to affect him when we spoke like it affected me. I don’t know if he felt the sadness I felt when he would bring up the past and all the fun we had. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to do that or why he asked me TO LUNCH when he had a girlfriend if it wasn’t to see if we could make things work again.
Bottom line: I just didn’t understand his thought process, why and how he could text me without feeling hurt, sadness and pain like I did. Especially after dating for over a year and I genuinely thought he wanted what was best for me after we moved on from each other but keeping in contact with me proved he just wanted to make sure he still had a hold over me in some way. In the beginning of May I realized that and was able to give that up.
I finally told him in the beginning of May I’m blocking his number, I didn’t want him to have a tie over me anymore.
- Sidenote: TO ALL Women: Never allow a man to feel like he can use you even through casual text messaging, if someone’s not treating you the way you want them to you have the right to ditch that person 100% and cut them out of your life!
Although, I will always love him and look at him as someone who did help me grow and change into the physically fit, fun, healthy and loving person I am today I knew I couldn’t hear from him anymore. The nights of texts that would continue on for months just couldn’t go on. It was wrong of me to do to Paul and I told him it was wrong to his girlfriend as well.
What I Learned:
I appreciate what he has done for my life, I really do. I probably would have never started getting into shape if it wasn’t for him. I lost 20 lbs while dating him trying to keep up with his physically active lifestyle, I learned to articulate myself much better because of the interesting conversations we would have together, I opened up more sexually with someone than I had ever before (until Paul 
), I was more comfortable with my body because I was making changes while we dated that gave me confidence, I learned to read signs of mistrust (because I thought he was cheating on me for a long time), I learned to follow my heart over my family’s opinion, I learned how to accept and love someone for who they were inside and what they believed in.
Lastly, and most importantly, I learned from him that my perspective was my reality. And now, my perspective of him had changed. I see him today as someone who told me they loved me but didn’t know the meaning of the word. Love is unconditional, never-ending, it endures everything and triumphs everything. Love doesn’t give up or end its everlasting. Once you love someone, you don’t give up, your heart won’t let you.
These days I believe that there is no “love” per-say there are only proofs of love. And since July of 2011 there were no proofs of love from him. Paul on the other hand proves his love for me like no man has ever before.
So as you know, I haven’t heard from my ex since early May when I told him I was blocking his number. Seeing him the following weekend will be hard, I don’t want to regress.
Should I go? Should I not? Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks for listening to my rant. It really feels good to let that out every now and then.
Enjoy your evening 
Much love -Ang
