Using Conflict to Grow.

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

About six months into a serious relationship with my boyfriend, we started experiencing major conflict. Fighting over small things, flipping out over misunderstandings, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same page about anything. This caused me to think about relationship conflict in general, what causes it, and how to deal with it.

It’s clear that relationship conflict occurs because expectations aren’t being met. Each person comes into a relationship with certain expectations. These are based on past experiences, childhood, or how you think things should be.

The problem is that no two people think the same, no matter how much you have in common.

A lot of couples see conflict as a time to bail—either because they were already looking for a way out or because they freak out and feel threatened. When our ego feels threatened, it activates our flight or fight response. Sometimes it may be hard to get resolution on a conflict, making matters worse.

Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed this and saw conflict as an opportunity and a sign of growth in a relationship?

This requires understanding that conflict will inevitably occur in a close relationship. The only way of getting around it is to not share your opinion at all, which is not healthy.

So what if we focused on sharing our opinions in a way that is productive?

1. Remember not to sweat the small stuff.

Instead of making every little molehill a mountain, agree to not make something a battle unless it’s truly important. Realize that not every disagreement needs to be an argument. Of course, this doesn’t mean you bow to someone else’s demands when it’s something you feel strongly about, but take the time to question the level of importance of the matter at hand.

2. Practice acceptance.

If you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, try to remember that the other person is coming into the situation with a totally different background and set of experiences than yourself. You have not been in this person’s shoes, and while it may help to try to put yourself in them, your partner is the only person who can really explain where he or she is coming from.

3. Exercise patience.

Granted, it’s hard to remember this in the heat of the moment. But, stopping to take a few deep breaths, and deciding to take a break and revisit the discussion when tensions are not as high can sometimes be the best way to deal with the immediate situation.

4. Lower your expectations.

This is not to say you should have low expectations but it is to say that you should keep in mind you may have different expectations. The best way to clarify this is to ask what another’s expectations are in a scenario. Again, don’t automatically assume that you come into the situation with the same expectations.

But what if you are in the heat of a conflict and you don’t seem to be doing anything other than polarizing each other?

5. Remember you both desire harmony.

Most likely, you both want to get back on track and have a peaceful relationship. Also remember the feeling of connectedness that you want to feel. It’s hard to feel threatened by someone when you see yourselves as interconnected and working towards the same result.

6. Focus on the behavior of the person and not their personal characteristics.

Personal attacks can be far more damaging and long-lasting. Talk about what behavior upset you instead of what is “wrong” with someone’s personality.

7. Clarify what the person meant by their action, instead of what you perceived their action to mean.

Most of the time, your partner is not deliberating trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be a byproduct of that action.

8. Keep in mind your objective is to solve the problem, rather than win the fight.

Resist the urge to be contrary just for that reason. Remember that it’s better to be happy than right!

9. Accept the other person’s response.

Once you have shared your feelings as to what a person’s actions meant to you, accept their responses. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you received it, take that as face value.

10. Leave it in the past.

Once you’ve both had the opportunity to share your side, mutually agree to let it go. Best case scenario, your discussion will end in a mutually satisfactory way. If it doesn’t, you may choose to revisit it later. When making this decision, ask yourself how important it is to you. If you make the decision to leave it in the past, do your best to do that, rather than bringing it up again in future conflicts.

Conflict can be distressing. If you see it as an opportunity for growth, it can help you become closer and deepen your relationship.

Although Pete and I had our disagreements I think he helped me to grow and realize what I do need in a relationship, what he gave me wasn’t exactly what I needed or wanted. I’ve realized today that must mean that what I gave him obviously wasn’t what he wanted or needed at that point in his life either. Although we couldn’t manage to see the conflict as an opportunity to grow and become better for each other I believe that these past several months have been given to me as an opportunity to use what I learned in the past for growth and personal development. I know that some of the ways I acted with pete were wrong and immature and today I take responsibility for that and won’t allow myself to treat an individual the way I did treat Peter sometimes. I have grown… A LOT. I’m thinking of my life in a different way these days and I know its because I have truly taken time for myself (AND NOT FOR ANY MAN.) Like I have stated in the previous couple of posts, I’ve put the relationship part of my life on hold to focus on some MORE IMPORTANT AREA of my life, such as:

Donating to

https://register.suntimesnewsgroup.com/clickshare/purchaseProduct.do?CSProduct=charity

 

I recommend that everyone get involved in something like this! I’ve also donated to Bianca Ruiz and her family as well after reading her (read  here.) I truly believe that volunteering and helping those in need is MUCH more important than focusing on being in a new relationship. After we broke up, I so badly wanted to feel loved again but now I realize that the only way to feel good and feel love is by doing good and giving love to others. If I succeed in that I know that the rest will just begin to fall into place.

Now for some thanksgiving pictures…

the men!

 

God Bless! December is almost here! What will you do to help out a family or person in need?

–Much love Ang!

 

“Take a shot for me”

My Black Wednesday OUTFIT! Have a safe thanksgiving

 

 

All we are is Change.

Our bodies are constantly changing—even if we’re healthy, our weight fluctuates at least a little, and we inevitably age.

Our minds are constantly changing—we learn, unlearn, and then relearn over and over again as we discover more about ourselves and the world.

Our feelings are constantly changing. We hurt, we’re humbled, we heal, we’re strengthened, and then we do it all over again, because that’s what it means to be human.

There is just the choice of this moment: to be present and comfortable in our skin, to forgive ourselves if we struggle, and to remember that as long as we’re breathing, there is always a new opportunity to choose each and everyday

God Bless

Ang

Thanksgiving next week!

Hey everyone! hope all is well!

Things have been going much better for me lately!

I’ve been super busy lately:

• I’ve been executing  my workouts and yesterday I actually ran 6 miles  which I haven’t done in ages! I’m so glad to have my legs back!
• SO busy with school (and acing all my midterms woohoo!)
• Planning a trip in January to visit some friends!
• Planning New Years with all of my girlfriends from high school
• hanging out with my family and friends again, I’ve even started to see my grandfather a bit more. I didn’t realize I had not stepped foot in my grandfather’s house since My grandmother passed away in may (6th months already wow!) I think it unconsciously something I decided to do by not going over there. I guess I wanted to remember that place with her still being there so maybe that’s why I haven’t stopped by.
• Went to an amazing wedding last week! Congrats to my cousin Evan on his Wedding!

On a different note, I’ve decided that being in a relationship for me right now is not what I want. It was a tough choice to make because this guy is pretty awesome BUT, I’m doing so good in other aspects of my life. I’ve been killin’ at my workouts again, managing school, work and I have even  signed up for a bunch of events this winter (plays, charity events, basketball leagues). I’m also in the process of making everyone their christmas presents this year, homemade ornaments! Between all that and school/student teaching applications and concentrating on passing content exams focusing on someone else is not a priority for me.

It’s all about me right now, haha just kidding… but seriously it’s not a bad gig to get your stuff together and not have to worry about someone else’s life. Right now I’m just focusing on me something I realized I haven’t done in a while. I’ve been in long term relationships ever since I was 16 practically and it is time for a break from that part of my life. That definitely doesn’t mean I can’t go out on dates and such, a girl’s got needs

 

I’m planning on taking a trip in January to visit a couple of friends who live down south (WARM WEATHER HELLO!) I cannot wait for that! This past weekend I hooked up with an old girlfriend of mine and introduced her to one of my good friends from college we went out for drinks downtown at a couple of bars and a nice club. The night before I headed out with a bunch of people  to a local spot which was beyond fun! It really is awesome to realize how many people genuine love and care about you… I’ve known these people for 9 years now if not longer and I’ve opened up to them about so many things that have been going on in my life. I cannot express how happy I was when I realized that there are so many people who are there for me if I need them, it was something I totally overlooked and took for granted because I was to busy focusing on the negatives that had gone on. I didn’t realize how many people had been trying to break down the walls I built up after this summer.  I’m glad I finally remembered that the people who matter are the people who are there for you through both the good and the bad times, not the people who run when the going gets tough.

Love him!

Cannot wait until Thanksgiving I’ll be making my  green bean casserole like last year and probably these amazing smore bites!

Just something to think about:

Have you ever overlooked how much love you had in your life? If you have I’d suggest taking a good look around at the people in your everyday life, I think you’ll see there are more people who care about you than those that don’t. The trouble is that as humans we always tend to be busy concerning ourselves with the select few people who are not reciprocating the feeling of love back to us rather than realizing how many people actually are.

 

Much love everyone, count your blessings

-Ang

 

“In this world of change, nothing which comes stays, and nothing which goes is lost.” -Anne Sophie Swetchine

I used to make a wish whenever it turned 11:11. It was something I started doing with friends in high school, and I kept doing it in college, a time when I depended on magical thinking to get me through difficult days.

When my last long-term relationship ended, I felt like I lost a part of me—the best part, to be more specific. My saving grace was the hope that we’d eventually get back together, if only I never gave up.

Night after night, at 11:11, I’d wish that he’d come back. I don’t know if I really believed this would influence what happened, but it made me feel a little less powerless. Ironically, every time I expressed this longing, it was like adding another two-ton link to the chain that kept me stuck.

One night, out of nowhere, I wished for happiness instead.

While I recognize that wishing for happiness and creating it are two different things, this was an epiphany for me. Suddenly, I realized that what I really wanted wasn’t my old relationship. I wanted to feel good, and until that moment I assumed I needed to be in that relationship to do that.

I thought I’d lost my chance. I hadn’t—I just lost that one possibility.

There’s something incredibly empowering about realizing that what we really want doesn’t require us to cling to specific people and things—that we can experience the feelings we want over and over again in different relationships and circumstances.

Suddenly, the world seems more expansive and individual losses seem less catastrophic, because we know that no matter what, all is not lost. We can and will feel happy again.

Instinctively, we are going to get comfortable with the people and situations we love. And we’re going to want to fight for them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps us passionately committed to who and what we believe matters.

But loss is undeniable part of life. Embracing that means realizing that every time we let go, we make room for something else. All is never lost.

 

–> Ang